As a grant writer, people constantly ask me if I can find them a grant. Generally these are well-meaning friends, family members and the occasional total stranger who have seen the late night infomercials promising "free government money" and for whom the job title grant writer brings to mind visions of early retirement and living the high life on the government's dime. Over the years I have developed a canned response to these types of inquiries:
Grant writers are like TV psychics*. If you could call up the psychic on their 900 number and have them tell you next week's winning lottery numbers, do you think they'd need to go to the expense of buying the commercial? Of course not. If the government really were giving away free money for people to sit at home and do nothing, there wouldn't be any working grant writers. We would all simply write ourselves a grant and go to the house**.
On the rare occasion that my disappointed friend/family member/total stranger is actually interested in how grants really work, I go on to explain The Life Cycle of a Grant.
* I use the term "TV psychics" to differentiate between the infomercial scam artists and any legitimate professionals working in the psychic advice industry. I'm not going to weigh in on whether or not I personally believe in psychic ability. But, I don't want to defame anyone unnecessarily either.
** After years of using this response with little or no effect, I have given up. Now whenever someone asks me what I do for a living, I lie and tell them I'm an undertaker. They don't ask follow up questions.
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